I don’t know about anyone else, but I could sure use a smile… and I believe I’ve found one.
To tell the truth, I’d never come across the YouTube sensation, that annoying song called, “What Does the Fox Say?” First time I heard it was when they used it on the Dancing With The Stars show. They did a pretty good group dance with that as the music.
When The Farmer and I went out in the woods to see what it looked like with all that snow we kept seeing patches of yellow snow. Here are a couple of examples:
We saw many, MANY more of these, but it gets a little boring looking at yellow patches of snow. I will note that they always occurred near small bushes, twigs or tree trunks.
Of course, it didn’t take long to see how all those yellow patches of snow were being created:
So, if you are thinking on making snow ice cream sometime, and you see a yellow patch of snow, don’t use it! Nobody wants Pee Flavored Snow Cream.
Moral of the story: Always avoid yellow patches of snow.
Today I have a little story to tell you about something that happened over the summer.
You see, I have this cousin, Rita, who is most definitely the queen of malapropisms, non sequiturs and tangled truths. You know, one of those people who slaughters the use of words and never has a clue she’s said anything wrong. A person who takes a set of facts and draws conclusions that have no connection to reality whatsoever.
I mean, we’re talking about someone who believes everything she reads on the internet or in the National Enquirer. If somebody at work tells her something, it must be true. Taken all together, this means conversations with her are always interesting in one way or another.
Consider a day this past summer, when we were both attending our family reunion. Sitting there at a picnic table, she started telling me her recent troubles. It seems that it was a downright bad week for the pets in her household.
“You wouldn’t believe it,” says she, “but we lost almost half our pets this week in one fall swoop.”
I’m thinking that’s probably one “fell” swoop, but I just asked her what happened.
“First off, my koi drowned.”
“What do you mean your koi drowned? It’s a goldfish, so how could it drown?”
“Well,” says Rita, “it got stuck down in some rocks and couldn’t get up to the surface to breathe, and it drowned.”
I told her, “Rita, fish breathe through their gills. Whatever happened it didn’t drown. Dolphins and whales come to the surface to breathe, but they’re mammals, not fish. Your fish did NOT drown.”
By then she’s getting exasperated with me, and not to be confused with facts. She says huffily, “I’m telling you, Billy Bob at work said those koi have to come to the surface now and then to breathe, and the fish was dead, so that HAS to be what happened.”
I give up. I know that fish was in a well-oxygenated pond, so there was oxygen in the water. It didn’t suffocate; it didn’t drown. But better change the subject before she gets thoroughly upset with me. I inquire what else happened to make it such a bad week.
“The dog ate my wristwatch and got really sick.”
You’re kidding, right?
“No, really! Butch ate my watch and threw up, but it didn’t help. The watch never came up, and he was really sick.”
So, did you take him to the vet?
“No, about the time I decided I’d better take him, he went to the bathroom and the watch came out. Time passed and he got better.”
I look at her thinking she’s joking, but she’s sitting there with a completely straight face and entirely unaware of what she just said.
Suppressing a grin, I decide that for us, too, it was time to move on.
Was that all that happened?
“No, the worst was Albert. He died.”
Albert was her pet tarantula. Rita had him since high school, so this was bad. I prepared to sympathize.
“Yeah, he was molting,” she continued, “and he couldn’t get that final leg out of the old skin and he couldn’t move, so he couldn’t get anything to drink and finally he was all desecrated and died.”
At this point, I’m absolutely positive she’s putting me on, but once again she sits there totally oblivious to what she just said. No way am I going to point out I’m sure she means “desiccated,” not desecrated.
By this time I’m choking down laughter, and no matter how hard I tried to disguise it, it must have somehow shown through.
“I don’t see what’s so amusing.” Rita was clearly upset with me. “Here half my pets get sick or die, and you think it’s funny!”
I rushed to reassure her that I was indeed sorry she’d had so many problems with her pets that week. Once I finally mollified her, I decided it was time to head for the recreation center to find something to drink.
After all, it was mighty hot out there, and I didn’t want to get desecrated.
Living with Foot-in-mouth disease….
One of the most common embarrassments known to mankind is the act of saying something and then realizing you have quite firmly planted your foot in your mouth. Imagine if you picked up your newspaper one day and read the following:
>>> NEWS FLASH! Research scientists have announced they have found the causative agent for “Foot-in-Mouth Disease.” New imaging techniques have brought to light a “Sudden Impulse” center in the brain. It is believed this center is triggered by strong human emotions such as anger, embarrassment, excitement and others.
However, researchers continue to be puzzled by the fact that sometimes the “Sudden Impulse” center engages for no discernible reason and exacerbates the feared “Foot-in-Mouth Disease.” Words are spoken or typed before the victim can recall them, or edit them with better judgment.
While elated to find the cause for “Foot-in-Mouth Disease,” researchers admit they have a long way to go before being able to find a cure.
“It seems to be an integral part of the human condition,” stated one researcher who asked to remain anonymous. “As long as you live, there are recurrent attacks of this dreaded disease, and there seems to be less chance of curing it than taming puberty. At least you finally outgrow that dire condition, whereas “Foot-in-Mouth” is no respecter of age, gender, or any other characteristic of the human condition.”
It appears despite modern medical miracles “Foot-in-Mouth Disease” will be with us for quite some time yet.
— Your tongue-in-cheek reporter of the day.